This is a very special post, addressed to some very special people: Friends of Drunk Bitches. FoDB can be Drunk Bitches themselves sometimes, but when they are in the FoDB role (often also the DD role), it is their job to take care of the Drunk Bitches. As most of you are probably already aware, Drunk Bitches are not easy to take care of. Taking care of a Drunk Bitch is a little bit like babysitting a hyperactive six-year-old on stilts. Your job is to make sure that the intoxicated party is safe and in possession of all personal effects they left the house with. You must keep them from using their cell phone to commit social suicide or hooking up with an ex in the bathroom. It’s not an easy job, but it’s a very important one, and I’d like to share some tips with you that I hope will make your turn being the FoDB a whole lot easier.
First, speak softly and carry a big purse. I always carry band-aids, because Drunk Bitches are accident-prone (although after Tara’s epic drunken fall on the Fourth of July in which her knees looked as if she had been attacked by small dinosaurs, I’m thinking of upgrading to maxi pads and a roll of duct tape). I also carry a fifty-dollar bill that is for emergencies only, in the event that I have to grab a stranger and utter the phrase, “I’ll give you fifty dollars if you X,” with X being a simple but vital request like “let us borrow your phone,” or “carry my drunk friend to the cab.” Hair ties and hand sanitizer are also essential, as is leaving enough room in your purse to hold the Drunk Bitch’s cell phone, wallet, heels, and anything else she may drunkenly discard throughout the night.
Second, have a calm, rational speech prepared for the authorities, be they the bartender who wants to eject the Drunk Bitch or the actual authorities with badges. Nine times out of ten, these people really don’t want to have to deal with the Drunk Bitch personally, and will actually be willing to let you take responsibility as long as they believe you are up to the task and will not allow harm to come to the Drunk Bitch/other people/the establishment you are in, etc. This came in handy one day at an Atlantic City beach when a certain Drunk Bitch refused to keep her top on. Because I explained to the lifeguards that it wasn't mere intoxication that was motivating my charge, but a deep sense of injustice rooted in her feminist outlook, they were content to let me handle the situation and even follow my lead in communicating with the Drunk Bitch as concerned friends rather than oppressive members of the patriarchy.
Third, make sure to remember key points of the night in case the Drunk Bitch loses time or blacks out. Write them down if necessary. If the Drunk Bitch tells someone a secret or says something in confidence and you are privy to the conversation, remember the details so you can update the Drunk Bitch on who knows what the next day. If the Drunk Bitch pays for things, try to have an idea of where and how much in case they find they are missing cash/have a mysterious charge on their credit card. You get the idea.
Finally, if you become a Drunk Bitch while in the FoDB role, and/or disaster strikes, be prepared to do damage control the next day. An apology is a beautiful and underrated thing. Take responsibility for your actions and the part you played in the night’s events. Especially if you committed an offense at a venue where you are a regular, a “sorry for being a shit show” card (and perhaps an accompanying tip) makes a nice gesture, and increases the odds you will be welcomed back.
Stay drunk, Bitches! (Unless you're the sober bitch, then stay sober, bitch.)
This post brought to you by Gina Verrastro - This Drunk Photographer and often a Friend of Drunk Bitches.