Friday, February 5, 2016

In defense of the Piña Colada

The Piña Colada is one of the most polarizing cocktails on the planet. Some people don't even like to call it a cocktail because of its widely assumed inferiority. Sure, the Piña Colada is sweet, and yes, it's frozen, and goddamn it, it's pretty.

But you know what? You all know that you secretly love them.

This is a beautiful stock photo that I absolutely did not take.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at the liquor store right before the impending Blizzard of 2016 (are we calling it that yet?). I was feeling indecisive and just wasn't feeling my usual scotch or whiskey. Then, I saw the rum. Maybe it was the uncertainty of the storm of the century upon us, maybe it was exhaustion from a long work week, or maybe I just wanted something classic...something familiar. I instantly thought about the summer and how refreshing it is to have a frozen drink on a hot ass day, those wonderful Piña Coladas they sell at the Italian Market Festival every year in the hollowed out pineapple, and how there's no better way to instantly feel like you're on vacation than sipping a really well made Piña Colada. I wanted to feel all of those feelings again at that exact moment. So, I purchased myself a bottle of Kracken Black Spiced Rum (because it's 94 fucking proof) and quickly headed to the grocery store.

So, I think a big problem with the Piña Colada is the utterly disgusting pre-made garbage so many of you people have been buying. I know, I know, it's soooo easy to just pour from one bottle into the blender and add ice. I really do understand. But PLEASE FUCKING STOP DOING THIS. With only a couple of extra steps you can make something that actually tastes quite delicious.

This is my not so great photo taken of
my 4th Piña Colada of the night.
Now, I'm not asking for anything crazy here. I'm not asking you to start juicing pineapples and pressing your own coconut milk (but please do that if you have the time!). You can buy the ingredients needed in your grocery store, probably even in the same aisle you would buy the aforementioned pre-made shit. All you need is pineapple juice (I prefer Dole 100% juice) and some cream of coconut (I use Goya). Shake the creme of coconut very well before opening. Pour it into a pitcher, then fill the empty can with pineapple and pour that in. Mix well with a spoon, and you have your Piña Colada mix! This will yield around 4-6 drinks, depending on size. When you're ready to blend, pour in some of your favorite rum, your mix, and ice, and you're ready to go.


Now, you've probably seen that recipe before, but here's my trick. I know it's not really conventional, but I like to throw a banana in the blender too. I find it adds an additional tropical, sweet element, and it also makes everything really smooth and creamy. Try it! I think you'll love it.


So now that I've come out as a Piña Colada lover, I hope you'll do the same. I'm not saying it has to replace your Old Fashioneds or Negronis, but it's nice to throw it into the rotation every once in a while.

Stay drunk, bitches!

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